19. Burning

Pain: 28 occurrences, Reality: 6 occurrences, Body: 13 occurrences, Baby: 12 occurrences, Fire: 21 occurrences, Burn/Burning/Burned: 13 occurrences, Blackness: 6 occurrences.  That should give you a basic overview.  Bella repeats the last chapter from her point of view, uses the memory of friends and family to hang on to life (why??) then remains amazingly indifferent while describing pain, using numbers to emphasize her degree of pain more often than needed.  Oh, and the chapter ends with Bella opening her eyes in wonder.

 

20. New

Read this chapter if you ever want to learn about mysteriously undiscovered colours of the visible spectrum, individual grains of wood, how light reflects off dust motes, the scent of silk, the smell of almost-honey-lilac-and-sun-flavored scents – Edward’s scent, cinnamon, hyacinth, pear, seawater, rising bread, pine, vanilla, leather, apple, moss, lavender, and chocolate-scented Cullens, and abuse of similes.  Bella proceeds to half-attack Edward, one of the best scenes in the novel, only to stop in realization and brood on for about 3 pages on the beauty of Edward.  They kiss for a while and chat for a while.  Alice brings Bella a mirror, hence, the infamous "Oh well," I said lightly, relieved that my thoughts were still my own. "I guess my brain will never work right. At least I'm pretty.". 

 

21. First Hunt

Bella jumps out the window.  Shame that she’s a vampire now.  She and Edward frolic through the forest.  Using her Smeyerpire powers, she chases after some poor, innocent elk.  Midway, she catches the scent of some poor, innocent human and changes course.  In the middle of an unusually deserted forest behind a random mansion, at that exact time, a human just happened to walk by just as Bella put her senses to the test.  I consider this to be the second-best scene in the book, as she had that much potential of attacking and potentially crippling her husband right then and there.  But noo, she uses her spektakulur Sue powahrs to disobey her newborn instincts.  It turns out that Bella’s power of love overrules her natural instincts.  Huh.  They go and increase said power over a nice feast of poor innocent lions.  Um..

 

22. Promised

Edward and Bella talk about their mutant for a while, then are intercepted by Jacob, who has not yet revealed his imprintation to Bella.  He offers himself up as a preliminary human sacrifice, which Bella accepts.  Unfortunately, she is turned off by his smell and spares his life.  Heavily guarded by the rest of the Cullens, she notes her child’s mutation, then takes a single step forward, resulting in a chain of conversation that displays her clearly Sue-ish powers for those who missed it the first time.  Eventually, mother is allowed to hold her own daughter.  Renesmee touches Bella’s face and demonstrates her SueSpawn^TM abilities later to be explained.  She and Jacob argue, then Bella finally realizes the reason behind Jacob’s infatuation at the most coincidentally convenient time possible.  She snaps once hearing Jacob’s absolutely adorable nickname of ‘Nessie’, and leaps.

 

23. Memories

Nothing actually happens in this chapter, it’s basically a rundown of events, because you obviously didn’t catch them in the last 500-ish pages.  Seth had apparently gotten in between Jacob and Bella before the collision, how noble of him.  Disputes with Sam’s pack have been settled because of Jacob’s imprinting.  Charlie is pissed.  Renesmee’s rapid growth mutation is noted on.  Her SueSpawn^TM abilities are demonstrated once again.  Bella and Edward are annoyed at Jacob’s predicament.  Jasper is irritated by Bella’s SuperSue abilities.  Leah is shunted aside in half a sentence, likely not to play any major part in the remainder of the “plot”.  Blatant foreshadowing about other vampire covens.  Bella joins Edward in his obsession with watching children sleep.  Alice suddenly springs up and wishes Bella a happy 19^th birthday.  What the hell.

 

24. Surprise

Edward and Alice play a nice game of mental rock paper scissors.  They play spider monkey in the middle of the woods, and Alice reveals her birthday present from Esme and the Cullens: a tiny lavender grey natural stone cottage that has much more boring description.  Alice bails on Edward and Bella, effectively hurting her feelings temporarily.  The newlyweds explore the  house, chat for a bit, have sex, chat while having sex, then laugh while having sex, and the motion of our laughter did interesting things to the way our bodies were connected, effectively ending that conversation.  The contents of that conversation?  Nothing perceivably important.

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Objective: Secure the removal of Twilight by Stephenie Meyer from Myn's school reading list.

It started with me in the library one rainy September day, trying to make sense of some chem homework.  It never did, if you were wondering.  Then, one of the many library assistants walks over to my end of the library, hushes everyone there, and another library assistant proceeds with one of many book talks that teachers like to subject their classes to.

You can probably guess what happens next.  That library assistant goes and starts brooding on and on about how awesome Twilight is, how it's the next Harry Potter, all the girls start cheering, and I want to retch.  That was all I heard about it FROM THE LIBRARY ASSISTANTS (but the fangirls..  oh dear gawd) for the next month and a half.

Around the time before the release date of the Twilight movie, as I stated before in a previous article, there were many articles being printed in my local newspaper.  Then a different library assistant decides to go and cut one of the articles out (the first one) and hang it like a poster on the library's bulletin board.

That was the last straw.  With my sole anti-Twilighter friend backing me up, I went to that library assistant and started ranting on about how that poster was an insult to humanity, feminism, literature, and sainity.  I made some very strong points and angered a few of my own friends in the process, but as a true fan does, the library assistant backed out of it with words.  As in, "It's all good fun", "It's sweet and romantic", "You just don't understand", and the rest of the usual.  She also displayed a disturbing array of extreme Twi-mom behaviour.

Her first somewhat good counterargument was that it was a really good movie that was coming out  I countered that by stating how good movies come out all the time.  She then made a very good offer to me.  She said that after Twilight was released, and her poster went down, I was free to put up a poster of my own choosing, within the boundaries of school rules.

An interesting proposal.  A very interesting proposal.

Up went the following demotivational poster, apologizing for the horrible image quality due to me lacking in LJ experience.



In the following week, it had been covered in objectional sticky notes, it had been flipped over numerous times, it had been covered by an ad for Twilight: The Movie: Cast Graphic Tees, and I have had people coming up to me wondering who the heck Susan B. Anthony was.  It managed to stay up for one whole week before mysteroiusly disappearing into the twilight.

Two weeks later, it was my English class's turn to suffer a book talk.  To my intense delight, Twilight was no longer included in the list.  One known rabid asked the library assistant why it wasn't there, and I happily filled her in with the long answer.  She pretty much shut up.


Objective: Knock some sense into the library assistants.

Result: Success.

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Shall we start with Monday?



"into the same rarified stratosphere as J.K. Rowling."
Um... No.

"her dreamy but undead boyfriend Edward Cullen"
...

"Twilight the motion picture is already breaking records for advance ticket sales, ahead of the similarly youth driven sensation High School Musical 3."
It's certainly in the same league. The protagonists break up, get back together, and break up again. Then get back together.

"“For me, it’s an absolute mystery,” she says of Twilight’s popularity"
It is, isn't it.

"No one was ever supposed to read this except for me."
It should have stayed that way.

"rules of the vampire world I’ve created, which means no fangs, which means no coffins ... You can’t kill anyone who doesn’t die in the book, and just basic things like that that were really just the foundation of the story"
But you see, Smeyer, the movie might have actually been a success if they did. It would have created a plot, at the very least.

"she is satisfied with the results."
O RLY? She's stupider than I thought.

"Around the film’s midway point, Meyer appears on-screen in a cameo."
Eating, no less.

---

Tuesday!

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"Think all vampires come with fangs and can’t survive the sunlight? Puzzled why any teenaged girl would pick “Team Edward” over “Team Jacob?"
Why yes, yes I am.

"17-year-old Bella is infatuated with Edward, the cutest boy in school."
And they made a whole freaking book series over 2000 pages total on this?

"He’s like all three Jonas brothers in one. Plus, he sparkles in the sunlight! Too good to be true?"
I am speechless. You are speechless, too.

"Renesmee (Nikki Reed), who’s no fan of Bella;"
Renesmee's no fan of Bella? Aww, rebelious teenage years. I love when the press makes mistakes.

"When he gets a whiff of Bella, bad blood gets spilled"
And the whole plot and outcome of the story is spoiled right there.

"she has the sequel-friendly ability to evade capture"
And here, too.

---

Today, now. Friday, November 21 - There's two of them.

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And finally, contradictory to the previous articles in the same paper, here's a bad review!

---

Can't read it?  I was going to post the text version below, but it seems that there isn't a text version, which would explain the terrible quality of the print.  Ah well.

 8. Waiting for the damn fight to start already

Enter: Jacob's angsty mind.  Which uses vocabulary quite similar to both Edward and Bella's minds.  Apparently, Paul imprinted on his sister Rachel which lead to a food shortage in La Push, Jacob assumes Bella got turned into a vampire or killed, Quil and Claire have girly-girl princess time playing with water and rocks by the beach, and a meeting occurs where Seth brings news of Bella, and Sam chooses to give the treaty a bye, forbidding the pack from attacking Bella that night.  Jacob resolves to go anyways.

9. Sure as hell didn't see that coming.
But Jacob, we see everything coming.  Due to Meyer's pathetic attempts at foreshadowing.  Billy and Jacob talk life, then Jacob runs off on his motorcycle to do what rebellious teenagers do: endanger his life, stall traffic, and annoy the heck out of other highway occupants.  Jacob goes to see Bella, learns of her pregnancy, then loses it.  Edward drags him out, they have a nice conversation that lasts about 9 pages, but I'll summarise for you.  Jacob explains what a tortured man Edward looks like, Edward explains Bella and Rosalie's relationship (pregnant girl to baby snatcher), Edward asks Jacob to talk to Bella and offer her sex, then Jacob agrees to kill Edward at his request.

10. Why didn't I just walk away?  Oh right.  Because I'm an idiot.
Edward gets the vampires to leave the room while Jacob has his nice little 10 page chat with Bella.  It starts off with some basic persuasion techniques, but doesn't really do much.  If Jacob wanted to pursuade her, he'd threaten suicide, murder, or tell her about his plans with Edward.  But he says nothing.  Bella stupidly defends her demon spawn, then Jacob offers sex in a subtle way.  It takes Bella a while to pick up on it, but she manages eventually.  Jacob eventually leaves, phases back to wolf, and his pack knows everything that happened.  Most of the pack agrees that it needs to die, and Sam arranges an assult, abusing his Alpha power in the process.

11. The two things at the very top of my things-I-never-want-to-do list.
Sam starts moving the pack into formation, but Jacob has to be rebellious, and steps up to the Alpha plate.  He breaks away from the pack, and Seth follows him.  Turns out that seperate packs can't hear each other's minds, so they continue forward and alert Edward.  Edward takes the news as expected, and a nice heart-to-heart mental chat is had between Seth and Jacob, none of it noteworthy.  In his wolf body, Jacob peers through the window and sees Bella to be worse than before.

12. Some people just don't grasp the concept of 'unwelcome'.
Bam.  Enter Leah Clearwater.  After some arguing over her presence, her story is known.  Leah used her mom as an excuse to phase human,  made the decision to go to Seth and leave Sam for good, then gets to it.  Jacob couldn't stand Leah in his mind, so he goes human and walks inside the Cullen house, where he meets Carlisle.  They have a brief conversation, concerning courtesy, Bella's health, and chromosomal pairs.  Turns out that the three species are closer together than they thought.  Edward comes out and pulls the thought of blood from Edward's mind, then they venture in to suggest the idea to Bella.  Bella agrees to it.  Drinking human blood.

13. Good thing I've got a strong stomach.
Rosalie and Carlisle run off to get the blood, Bella and Jacob have a quick conversation about Jacob's pack, then the blood is in.  Contrary to the past three books, Bella takes a good wiff of the blood without any dizziness or fainting, claims it smelled good, drinks it, then claims it tasted good.  Bella's all good and healthy again.  The wolves howl, and Jacob gets back outside pronto, shredding his shorts in the process.  It's Paul, Quil, Collin, and a human Jared, there to discuss peace.  Their conversation is boring and predictable, but at the end, Jacob has some nice Quil time.  Nekked.  Jacob phases back, then he and the pack have a quick conversation, involving Seth's stupidity, Sue dropping him on the head when he was a baby, and gnawing on lead painted bars.

14. You know things are bad when you feel guilty for being rude to vampires.
Jacob takes the clothes laid out for him and goes into the house.  He makes some blonde joke that Rosalie's already heard, then Edward drags Jacob aside again and has a nice heart to heart chat that lasts some time.  Bella's rib cracks, then Jacob has some heart to heart time with Alice, who apparently gets dizzy around the baby.  Jacob wakes up to a terrible burning smell, and it turns out that he slept for the rest of the day and the whole night.  Some friendly greetings are exchanged, Seth was in the room, then Carlisle drags Jacob aside to discuss the same things Edward said.  Esme, the mother hen, gives him some food to take to Leah.

15. Tick tock tick tock tick tock
First, it's some Seth to Jacob time, discussing Bella.  Jacob goes back to Bella to keep her warm, then Rosalie goes off to make Jacob some food at Alice's command.  She serves it up in a dog dish.  Jacob and Bella chat for a while about the fetus, then about Jacob.  Bella then falls asleep, and he and Edward have a conversation about Bella again.  Rosalie makes rude statements, then Jacob flings his dog dish at Rosalie and gets food in her hair which makes her spazz out.  They all then start talking about how the fetus is like Jacob, in similarities and chromosomal pairs.  And Jacob realizes how they plan to get the baby out.

16. Too-much-information alert.
These first 12 pages involve some lovely Leah to Jacob time.  Jacob learns a lot more about Leah, and Leah shoves some of her girly feelings into his head, regarding Rosalie's scenario.  Jacob understands better.  Jacob goes into the house, meets Alice, then the whole chapter is casual and boring until Edward starts hearing the fetus' voice.  The baby loves the sound of Bella's and Edward's voices.  Jacob loses it, and Edward sees, then gives him a set of car keys so he can make his escape.

 17. What Do I Look Like? The Wizard Of Oz? You Need A Brain? You Need A Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have.
Jacob speeds away in a flashy, expensive car which has a name only recognizable to devout fangirls.  He contemplates the lack of police, hoping to have Edward's license plate number seen, but in Meyerland, there can be no flaws.  It is later apparent that Jacob wishes to find his soul mate in just one small city, randomly selected from the many towns, countries, and continents in the world.  But he won't find her.  He stalks girls for what feels like hours to him, and notes all the hot girls.  He then proceeds to note all the Bella-like characteristics in the girls, including a crease between the eyes.  He is then approached by a girl with more given description than any other non-vampire in the whole series.  They chat casually, then Jacob drives back with suicidal thoughts in mind.  He is greeted by Edward, who starts blaming him for Leah's very realistic actions of 'speaking' to Bella in a way that most of you readers would.  The rest of the conversation is too long and not note-worthy enough to waste your bandwidth on.  He chats with Bella for a while, and the chapter ends with the very lulzworthy line of "Bella vomited a fountain of blood."

18. There Are No Words For This.
Comma abuse.  Then, Rosalie and Edward snap right to action, Jacob sees Bella naked, Bella's placenta detaches, Bella goes all overprotective mother, Bella breaks her spine, Jacob performs CPR, Edward delivers the baby, Renesmee attempts to breastfeed, Bella dies, Edward injects her with venom, Jacob thinks more suicidal thoughts, Jacob imprints on Renesmee, and suddenly, his love for Bella, Billy, the pack, the other pack, and himself all disconnect from him in that second, snip snip snip, and float up into space.  Just to quote it.
 

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 1. Engaged

Bella tries and fails to lie to herself by repeating the same phrase three times over.  People ogle her new car that she refuses to be grateful for.  She drives to a gas station, and some more people come to ogle her car and subtly let the reader know of it's full capabilities.  A page is wasted on Meyer's ramblings.  Bella drives off, and catches sight of a poster with Jacob.  Apparently, Charlie was concerned about Jacob's absence, like any parent or friend should be, but Bella and Billy both didn't care.  Bella calls Seth Clearwater for no apparent reason, and asks about Jacob, as if she really cared.  He hang up.  Meyer confuses all the readers by inserting a flashback of the night Bella and Edward informed Charlie of their engagement.  Charlie overreacts, like any parent should.  The flashback ends abruptly, confusing the readers some more, and another flashback begins almost immediately, demonstrating Renee's lack of care for Bella's innocence.  We can't tell when this flashback ends, but we suddenly read about Charlie looking 'debonair' in his tux.  Bella gets fitted for her wedding dress, and the final page and a half are spent in Meyer's ridiculous mind.  Urgh.  "I was with Edward in my happy place."

2. Long Night
The chapter starts off with Bella and Edward in apparent mid-rape, but of course, is not.  One full page is wasted describing how desirable Bella's blood was, how she caused him pain, how'He had the most beautiful soul, more beautiful than his brilliant mind or his incomparable face or his glorious body".  It then talks about some mind-seeing shit, and how he can't read her mind.  What?  Another page is wasted in Bella's happy place. More hints at mid-rape are, well, hinted at, one detail being Edward's clothes on the ground, and Bella wraps her legs around his waist.  Some foreshadowing is attempted here, in "What would he do with all his free time?  He'd have to get a new hobby."   The two of them have a nice heart to heart conversation that spans 3 pages, then they are thankfully interrupted by Jasper and Emmett.  He leaves on his bachelor party, which consists of mountain lions.  Meyer talks about the wedding, fears, wedding guests, wedding dresses, werewolves, self esteem, Tanya's family, newborn vampires, more about Tanya, and another not subtle hint at foreshadowing is placed here with the mention of demon children; out of control vampiric children.  She then proceeds to rant about the Volturi, then Bella starts dreaming about more babies and Volturi members.  Foreshadowing.  "The child opened his bright, bloodred eyes."   Is 'bloodred' even a word?

3. Big Day
Gee, I wonder what this chapter is about?  Bella wakes up very early in the day, then proceeds to babying Charlie, and annoyingly reminding him of his duties, which he is unlikely to forget.  The two of them bitch about Alice, who then shows up and kidnaps her.  Bella rants for half a page about possible honeymoon locations and vampirism.  Alice turned out to be reusing some of her graduation decorations like any sane person would, but Bella is surprised by this.  Bella, in complete contradiction to her comment to Charlie, bitches about how Alice is wasting her time with making her dazzlingly awesomely beautiful.  Rosalie then comes in, looking "She was so beautiful it made me want to cry." as Meyer ran out of adjectives.  Rosalie brings good news and offers to help with Bella's hair, and Bella starts bitching to herself about this.  Alice dresses Bella as Bella is too physically retarded to do so herself, and is then reunited with her mother.  Renee starts complimenting Bella extravagantly, and Bella mysteriously gets over her aversion to gifts of any sort without any prior experiences.  ".. like you just stepped out of an Austen movie" is yet another reference to Meyer's own favourites.  Renee then insults Charlie, hugs Bella, and she and Charlie present Bella with a gift, which Bella accepts without as much hesitation as displayed in New Moon.  After some more insignificant events, Bella begins to hyperventilate, decreasing her blood's carbon dioxide content below normal.  Alice starts to randomly dance down the staircase, and Bella follows her.  Charlie assists her in walking, and Meyer sporaticly describes every single face in the room, then contradicts that by saying "All I really saw was Edward's face ...-...perfect face was almost severe with the depth of his emotion"  Wait.. what?  He has emotions?  The minister agreed to mess up his lines prior to the wedding, making it more appropiate for the vampires, and Bella cries as she whispers the words 'I do'.  They kiss too extravagantly for ceremonial wedding, and they are then hugged by the guests, including Seth Clearwater, whose hug is emphasized upon.

4. Gesture
The wedding ceremony lasted EXACTLY the right amount of time, so it was just twilight, making the trees and river pretty and glimmering.  They chat with Seth, who was accompanied by the uncomfortable Billy and Sue.  Bella bitches for half a page about Billy and the treaty, then is broken off by Seth and Edward hugging.  Seth and his family then ditch the couple for food.  They are greeted by Bella's human friends who aren't important enough for typed conversation, then the Denali clan is described in great detail.  "And they were all four so beautiful that it made my stomach hurt."  There's bad grammar, right there.  Greetings are exchanged, Bella is introduced without any hostility from Tanya, and then they move on.  But they'll be back later in the book, no worries.  They cut the cake, eat the cake, then Bella throws her bouquet at Angela and Edward removes Bella's garter with his teeth, and throws it at Mike.  They dance.  Charlie and Bella dance.  Esme and Edward dance.  Everyone and Bella dance together.  Mike and Bella dance.  Edward steals Bella away and they dance.  Bella looks in the mirror.  Edward leads Bella away, and bam, out comes Jacob who was last seen in northern Canada.  Edward leaves Bella for Rosalie.  Jacob and Bella have a nice heart-to-heart hug and chat.  They chat for 7 pages, then Jacob snaps, starts vibrating, and after some persuasion, Jacob lets go of her.  Edward removes her quickily, and some wolves come to take Jacob away.  They get back to the wedding, say their goodbyes, then run off to the plane to their honeymoon, which was what triggered Jacob's reaction.  "The piercing, heartbroken howling grew fainter and then disappeared entirely."  Could this be more foreshadowing?

5. Isle Esme
One of the many lolwhut chapters in this book.  The first three pages are about their journey to an island named after Carlisle's wife.  Edward goes and does thorough things, as the book says.  Two pages are wasted explaining that.  Edward asks Bella to go have sex with him in the pool.  Indirectly, of course, as Meyer thinks of the kiddies reading her book.  Bella uses 4 pages to explain to her readers how one beautifies and calms herself before going to have sex.  In those 4 pages, she also demonstrates the accurate feelings of one who knows they are about to be knocked up by their boyfriend.  She goes out.  They get knocked up.  Bella awakens to a dramatically emo Edward, and discovers that during their session, Edward grabbed her too tightly and left bruises all over her skin.  And feathers, for some odd reason.  Most would assume that being injured by a loved one would be considered abuse, but Meyer passes it off as lust and desire.  Edward dramatically throws his arm over his face and looks away.  I'm not kidding.  They have a nice little conversation, and Bella accuses Edward of killing her buzz, whatever that implies.  Bella asks Edward to have more sex in the bathtub (implied), but Edward brushes it off and makes her omelets instead.  Bella gets the brush off again, and accuses Edward of planning not to touch her again.  To prove her wrong, Edward touches her cheek.  Wow, she's stupid.  The last line of this chapter is overly dramatic and serious, and is a terrible place to end it.  "I will not make love with you until you've been changed.  I will never hurt you again." Yeah right.

6. Distractions
Bella snorkles, explores, parrot-rapes, watches sunsets, swims with porpoises, watches DVDs, visits coral reefs, submerged caves, sea turtles, and eats great food.  But all she can do is whine about sex, then start wearing flashy lingerie to bed.  In contrast to the last two books, she then makes the snap decision to stay human and go to college, just to pursuade Edward to rape her.  They talk about Bella's nightmares, which all bluntly foreshadow the plot of the book, then Bella falls asleep.  She wakes up crying, because apparently, her dream was about sex.  That pursuades Edward to rape her.  She wakes up, and instead of feathers, there is a broken bedframe.  Bella gets sudden hunger pangs, more blunt foreshadowing, then watches a movie with Edward while the superstitious cleaning crew (foreshadow foreshadow) cleans away.  Note the foreshadowing on the superstions, which involve the 'Libishomen' who preys on beautiful women only.  And other things.  The Ticuna Indian walks in on Edward kissing Bella's neck, which you'd have to admit, probably looks very strange.  The chapter ends with Edward carrying Bella back to the bedroom for more knocking up.  Note the excessive foreshadowing in this chapter, because that's obviously what Meyer wants.

7. Unexpected
The chapter starts off with EVEN MORE foreshadowing, and Bella wakes up alone.  She reads a note from Edward, explaining where he went (hunting, duh), and that gives us an estimate of how much Bella has been knocked up in that period of time.  Bella wakes up hungry, due to her pregnancy which was foreshadowed last chapter, and makes raw chicken for herself to eat which she then spits out and wastes.  Think of the animals, Meyer.  Edward comes back, and Bella starts vomiting because of the chicken.  Or her pregnancy.  She goes and vomits again, then finds a bottle of Pepto Bismol.  Pepto Bismol is too awesome of a liquid to deserve mention in a book like Meyer's but what can we do?  It's then that Bella realizes that she's pregnant, then looks at her bulging belly to prove it.  Because she was too busy having sex to notice it before.  4 pages are wasted on rambling about vampire babies, then Edward's cell phone rings.  Edward doesn't pick it up due to 'shock'.  Bella rapes him in the process of finding the phone (implied), then talks to Alice, then Carlisle, then passes the phone to Edward.  Carlisle declares Bella pregnant, though that's not possible since Meyer said herself that all bodily fluids, including sperm are turned to venom during the change.  I won't get into the science of it here, though.  Bella wastes 4 pages thinking about how her baby is a necessity, but it's only after Edward talks to her that she realizes Carlisle and Edward want it to go.  Way to go, genius.  The cleaning lady comes, and she and Edward have a conversation in Spanish regarding the pregnancy of Bella.  She leaves, and as Edward is away packing, convieniently leaving his cell phone beind, Bella steals it to call Rosalie for obvious reasons. (Requesting that Rosalie protect her baby at all costs, no matter the stupidity).

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 First, Meyer kindly gave a description to the Twilight Lexicon, PC 7.

They sparkle because they have turned to substance that is somewhat like diamond. Their bodies have hardened, frozen into a kind of living stone. Each little cell in their skin has become a separate facet that reflects the light. These facets have a prism-like quality–they throw rainbows as they glitter.

"Somewhat like diamond". That, we can accept.  Somewhat is a very general term. The next sentence is okay, too. 'A kind of living stone'. Meyer's pushing it now, but this statement could work, assuming she invented her own species of stone. The only type of existing stone that could be considered living is coral, but coral shows none of the properties listed in the books. Coral also does die after a period of time.

Again, we can pass this phrase off as belonging to her fantasy world, but the next sentence is the bomber. Each of your human skin cells is a single three dimensional object that reproduces frequently. The skin we touch and feel is a very thin layer of dead skin cells. When a human becomes a vampire, everything inside them is enhanced, killed, and frozen in that state. These dead skin cells, like hair, should not be affected with the change. Meyer has already confirmed the properties of a vampire's hair:

Hair does not grow, nor do fingernails (if you cut your hair, you’re stuck.  That’s why Alice’s hair is so short–it was growing back from being shaved in the asylum).

Yet, she neglects the rest of your dead cells.  If you were to dig up a grave, and found a dead body, you'll notice that every part of them is decaying, including their hair.  Meyer hair stays perfect for over 30 centuries.  What?

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 Jacob Black (Aka – Mr. NoBalls.)

Hair colour: Black

Eye colour: Brown

Resembles:  Big muscular hairy dude that turns into a wolf type thing now and again/some stupidly hot guy.
 

I’m going to start by doing what I do best… Annoying the fangirls! –evil cackles-

First off, the only reason Jacob is in the main storyline is because Bella’s editors were smarter than her and saw him as a good character with lots of potential.  It was like, bam, he’s in the plot.  This shows how shallow Meyer’s ‘plot’ really is, and even fangirls can’t argue this.

 So, in the Twilight universe (or, ‘Twilightverse’ if you’re a complete loser), the Jacob fans are in the minority, am I right? Everyone loves Edward. Everyone wants Bella to end up with Edward. Everyone loves perfect, sparkly, DAZZLING, freakin Edward. Through the duration of New Moon when Edward is away and Jake is there to pick up the pieces, everyone (the readers) is desperate for Edward’s return and everyone (Stephenie Mey, errr, I mean Bella) is obsessing over the fantastic sparkly vamp that has captured Bella’s heart… but here is where I ask; why? Why did none of the teeny boppers realise that when Bella is depressed, Jacob’s there? When Bella was stupid enough to jump off a cliff, Jake saves her… Now, you may be thinking, obsessive stalker, but Jake is much more than that. Jacob Black is the only character in this entire pile of crap series that I actually think is half decent. Jacob Black pwns Edward to infinity.

 Even though he is my favourite character in the series, this doesn’t excuse him from poor character development. Jacob is a creation of Stephenie Meyer of course, which instantly gives him a handicap in the running, but not an automatic win. He’s needy, he’s whiny, he’s childish, not to mention gutless, but I can’t help but sympathise with him, and I’ll tell you why in a minute… He’s blatantly in the series simply to stir things up a little. Meyer put him there to so Bella had another random ‘hot guy’ worshipping the ground she walks on but not to actually pose any real threats to the Bella/Edward love extravaganza. He’s there for Meyer’s sake and her sake only. Cue ‘self-insertion’ again. I know the signs because I am a writer myself; therefore can sniff self-insertion better than a vampire can track blood. What normal hot-blooded girl doesn’t want every ‘special’ guy in the vicinity fawning over them? What Meyer has done here is imagine herself as Bella with the two hottest guys in town wanting her more than life itself. They both are willing to love Bella unconditionally when she herself, has done absolutely nothing to gain either of their affections apart from ‘smell’ good. Fair much? No, I thought not, and then there’s the Bella/Jake kiss which results in assault on Bella’s half and the fact that she actually admits to being in love with Jake too. Why does Edward let her get away with this?? ARGGGHH, give me strength!!!  

Sympathies to Jacob Black - why? Because, despite his werewolf-ness, he’s the most down to earth, actual boy-like character in the series and I like him. He has more personality than Edward and Bella put together (still not much, I know) and knows exactly what he wants and tries his damn hardest to get it, and when he doesn’t, his emotions are realistic and more importantly, believable. If it were the other way around for example, Jacob was dating Bella and Edward was in Jacobs shoes, Jacob would have been totally fuming and adequately jealous that his girl was leading on some other guy. You also have to take into account that Jacob is younger than Bella and totally infatuated by her. She knows this and uses it to her advantage – frequently. I was surprised that her super vampire power in Breaking Dawn wasn’t ‘Manipulative Bitch Power’, because she drags Jacob through the dirt, forwards, backwards, sideways and then rips out his heart and stamps on it with her bitch heels – and then she’s surprised that he tells Charlie about the bike??!?! Urrghh, Bella = retarded fantasist. (Seriously though Jake, good on you mate, I would so have done the same thing.) 

The entire fandom seems to hate him too, which is totally unfounded. Stephenie writes him to be slightly annoying sometimes, giving Bella (and the fans) an excuse to hate him for trying to come between Edward and Bella, but really? Jake is being totally selfless here. At this point, he’s put aside his feelings for her and is set on stopping her ruining her life by becoming a vampire. He’s protecting her… What’s so hideously inappropriate about that?

Ahhh, Jacob Black. Jacob, Jacob Black –cough- Sirius Black –cough- -choke- -splutter- BLACK.
Yeah, I turn into a big furry dog and I’m sexy when I’m human. –Ah-hem-.

 I’ve noticed that whilst writing this, I’ve mentioned Bella a lot, and this is because Meyer has made it impossible to write about any of her characters without mentioning her (and I mean impossible). The world as we know, revolves around Bella and every single character included has some connection to her, be it unconditional love or even insane jealousy – one way or another, every bloody person/creature in (and out of) Fawkes, wants her, and I can’t for the life of me work out why Jake does. He (and Edward come to think of it) could have anyone they wanted! This is where Jake’s character takes a turn for the worse and I lose respect for him. SHE’S OBSESSED WITH THE VAMPIRE, DUDE – IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Get over it before you become weird… Oh wait! Whoopsie, Meyer already did that by making you imprint on Renesmee… yeahhhh… Cause that’s normal…

And one last thought… Before the outcome was decided (before we knew who she chose in the end, Jake or Edward) why on earth were the fandom so happy to let Bella ‘choose’ between them? What if by some stroke of madness, one of them actually turned and said to her; ‘you know what you tease, I don’t want you. I’m better than that. I can do better than that.’ It just annoys the hell out of me that Meyer thinks that she can get away with this. She’s going to pollute every little girls head in the world and make them think that they can treat guys like crap and end up with what they want. (This isn’t going to happen kids; I know from experience that when you mess around with two guys and they find out, they’re not as likely to want you when they know you’ve betrayed them. Life just doesn’t work like that.)

In conclusion, you won’t find a more realistic character in Twilight than Jacob Black. He has emotions and everything.

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 Hair Color: Brown

Eye Color: Brown

Resembles: The Author.

Resemblance of the author is one of many signs a character may show of Mary-Sueism. This is called self-insertion. It is when a person inserts themselves into a story and plays around in a story. Sounds okay, right? Why can't authors just have some fun inside their head while we have fun and read? ... Stephenie Meyer (oops, forgot her name) has inserted herself into her own story. Bella is like her in many ways, only everything good is now incredible and better and every bad is now obsolete. Not good, not realistic. Bella is not a realistic character at all.

 

Starting with the name. Isabella is the name of a famous Spanish queen, but not the likely derivation. Isabella is shortened to Bella in the series and Bella is dangerously close to the French name "Belle" which means nice and beauty. Two qualities Stephanie Meyer wished Bella portrayed. Swan, the last name. Derivations remind me of three sources. The obvious animal, the less obvious Elizabeth Swann in Pirates of the Caribbean, and the obsolete Juni Swan from The Demonata Series. First, the animal, the swan. The swan is graceful and a sign of true love. It is beauty and feelings. It's what Stephanie Meyer thinks of her character and Edward. Second, Elizabeth Swann, another girl who fell for a man like Bella. Only, when Lizzy screws up, people blame her like they should. Both girls can be bitches and seem to have every guy lusting after her. Now, in Elizabeth's case, she is the only girl on a pirate ship, men have urges. In Bella's case, I'm confused. Both girls have done foolish things ... Bella didn't have a plan, Elizabeth had better plans. Elizabeth Swann has a backbone, one the key ingredients Bella Swan is missing! Now, Juni Swan from the Demonata series written by a vampire author. Juni Swan was a character named Nadia before turning evil. She changed her name to Juni Swan for her birthday and what her evil master considered her, his swan. She was beautiful and in a sense like Bella, friends across the enemy line (Kernel -D- and Jacob -T-). This character, though unknown proves my point of insertion with making yourself better. By giving Bella the humble beauty the surname of Swan, she has perfected herself and her life even more. Way to go Stephanie Meyer!

Now, moving on. Bella is a way for Stephanie Meyer to distribute her likings. There was a point in one of the first three books when Bella is listening to music. Linkin Park. I love the idea of a girl who reads classicals listening to Linkin Park because it's so hysterical and unlikely. Bella also reads all of Stephy's favorite books. One in particular is Wuthering Heights. I've known people who read classics, and the only one I've known to actually pick up Wuthering Heights was my cousin, who is a big fan of this series. Stephy should really stop trying to spread her favorites far and wide. She should also stop comparing Bella and Edward to classics like Romeo and Juliet. This shows how unoriginal the fans are. They compare Bella and Edward exactly how Stephy does. Spreading her thoughts!

Bella is a major appeal to the young teeney boppers. Now, teeney boppers are the tweens and teens. Girls aged 11-15 mainly. Young, suptle girls who don't know the real basics of love or a relationship. Most girls basically picture themselves as Bella, a young girl who moves to a strange and small town where everyone has been friends since diapers and she's the new thing in town. It would be a lie to say that most girls do not fantasize themselves as Bella. The story is told from Bella's Point of View (POV) and the reader finds their self in a fantasy. When Edward looks evil to Bella, we feel hurt that he hates us. When Edward asks Bella out, readers are excited that such a perfect guy would ask us out. The point is that inside Bella's head, we go through her EMOTIONAL roller coaster. Everything that happens is justifies because we're being selfish like Bella. Inside Bella's head, we don't realize just how anti Stephy's hero is.

Bella has no backbone and is a bitch. I polled my thirteen year old friends and all said that they would take as long as Bella to get over a relationship. I talked to my seventeen year old friends and none would take as long as Bella to get over a relationship. (Once again the young suptle girl appeal). But as for the no backbone. After, was it five months, girls will get over a relationship. In fact, when breaking up with, or being broken up with, girls do not go into a manic depressive state, they rant to their friends (Bella has plenty to rant to) and get over it pretty damn fast. One of my eighteen year old friends broke up with her first boyfriend and she isn't manic depressive even though she was a fool like Bella "in love," she ranted, and is getting over. Bella, however, is unrealistic and had no backbone. She went into a manic depressive state when her boyfriend broke up with her and wondered why after five or so months, her friends were annoyed with her. She then befriended a boy she had known crushed on her (and previously flirted with him for information on Edward) and became a good friend. She then tries several times to commit suicide for the sole purpose of trying to hear a voice in her head. (Schizophrenic and Suicidal). Then, when her ex-boyfriend(who's treated her like crap)'s "adopted" sister came into town, she ditched all of her friends who were nice enough to accept her so that she could go chase after Edward and save him from his own selfish suicide. Then, she wonders why Jacob rats her out to Charlie. Honestly, she shouldn't be shocked that she was punished. She almost killed herself several times and then flew to Europe on a whim without checking with her father. Hell, she was lucky she was ever let off of grounding. If any normal kid did that, they'd be dead, toast, finite. But that's the point, Bella isn't normal. Her parents are barely parental, and when they are, it's an antagonistic way, not caring.

As for Eclipse, Bella needs to freaking make up her mind. When you basically dump someone who has a major crush on you, you need to actually dump them, or else they're coming for some. Jacob wasn't going to believe Bella didn't love (basically because she did love him, but that's not convenient to have it real love for Stephy).

Now, on to the name calling part. The part where I call Bella names and excuse them:

Necrophiliac- The last time I checked, Edward didn't have a pulse
Retard- Hematophobics really shouldn't stress to be vampires.

Honestly, I entered Bella in the Mary-Sue Litmus test and she over-exceeded the biggest point setting (50+ which says that the Sue should be thrown away and to start a new person from scratch).

Isabella Swan = Mary-Sue

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 Renesmee “Nessie” Carlie Cullen was the miraculous mutant vampire/human spawn born to Bella and Edward in book 4. While there are many things horribly unrealistic and unexplained about Nessie, the largest of the confusions is that of her conception.

Nessie's conception is lightly skimmed over in Breaking Dawn, but not actually or plausibly explained. Stephenie Meyer, when asked, told fans to buy her 'encyclopedia' when it comes out in December. This act, alone, assured Meyer more money to line her pockets and several months to cook up some crappy, half-baked excuse for Bella's pregnancy. But as I plan to explain, Nessie's conception has no logical explanation. And for a conception, logic is needed unless she is the second coming of Christ. My hypothesis is that there simply isn’t an explanation for this 'conception.'

First to start out with is the quote from Stephenie Meyer herself. She said that vampires can't have children. 'Having children' is a term used for both the male and the female having children. Though it is likely that Stephenie Meyer meant only vampires and vampires can't have children together, Renesmee’s conception still makes no sense. If a human and vampire can procreate this means that they have the essential bodily reproductive parts to have children. So shouldn't vampires be able to procreate with each other too? The answer is no, because Meyer is sexist and only gave male vampires reproductive rights. But still, if a man has a vampire equivalent of his reproductive parts shouldn't a female have vampire equivalents of their reproductive parts?

Another issue is the quote once again from Meyer that states that venom replaces 'most' fluids inside the body once a human is turned from human to vampire. Stephenie Meyer didn't use the term 'most' to hide sperm, a theory many had, detailing that it was sperm “left over” or “still being made”. I know this because if sperm had indeed impregnated Bella, Nessie would be a normal child. She wouldn't have super powers, she wouldn't thirst for blood, ever. She wouldn't almost kill her mother in utero. She would be a normal baby who would look her age (and would keep aging after the actual age of seven) and be completely normal.

If venom replaced sperm and actually impregnated Bella, then a question emerges. Venom is the same in male and female vampires, right? This similarity is probable by the fact that a male vampire turning a female human into a vampire would still get the conclusion with the female staying female. If the venoms were different,  the human female would convert to male due to exposure during change. Seeing this fact makes me question: Can't Alice, Rosalie, and other female vampires impregnate female humans? Another issue with the ‘venom’ idea is Bella's uterus. A uterus may be prepared to protect a baby, but it is not bullet proof. Having vampire Edward pump venom into human Bella's uterus should have turned Bella into a vampire (venom exposure), not knock her up. This brings me to another question, thinking about Edward pumping lethal venom into Bella.

Why didn't Edward have a condom? A 108 year old 'person' who looks chronically 17 must have either, at one point in his life, masturbated or engaged in other sexual activities where he would've been stimulated and learned that he pumps venom out. Edward is a guy, and guys are physical beings after all. You would also think that man who is so over-protective that he 'buys' his then fiancée a car that will help her from getting into fender bender injuries, would've thought to use a condom, even if for some odd reason, he didn't know what would happen, Edward's always covered every base, so to speak. Why not a condom? I can tell you right here why not: Stephenie Meyer is a devout Mormon and it is against Mormons to practice Birth Control (no matter how smart). 
 
Another pointless idea some Twi-Hards threw out in a hypothesis was that Edward impregnated Bella with old saved sperm. This is improbable for two reasons: 1. He probably would've used said sperm before Bella. 2. Nessie, like before, would be a human.

In conclusion, Meyer doesn't have a plausible excuse for her protagonist's pregnancy. Every possible solution is shot down swiftly and has a plethora of questions that shouldn't have been asked to be let alone answered. So Meyer has no clue what she's doing and Nessie shouldn't exist.

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